Comment Wall

Hey everyone! This is the comment wall for my Storybook, Lara Croft and the Mask of the Jaguar God. Thanks for your feedback!

Please don't be mean, or you'll make Juno cry. (Source: personal photo, December 2019)

Comments

  1. Hey Cece,

    Tomb Raider! Nice! I've never played the games myself but I love the artifact-hunter adventure genre that they have helped to inspire. I think that this is a really cool idea, and I'm very interested to see how it plays out, especially since these types of stories always tend to go from realistic to mystical in the end.

    That being said, some parts of the story make me feel like I've started the 3rd game in the series without playing the first 2. Who are Jonah and Abigaile and what's the nature of their relationship with Lara? What happened in Paititi and why did it anger Quetzalcoatl? How exactly can Lara fix her mistake? I totally understand that this is the introduction, and you don't want to give everything away right now (and also keep it at a reasonable length), but I simply feel like I'm missing some necessary context at this point.

    I would definitely recommend giving more explanation in future stories if you hadn't already planned on it. More explanation of who Lara is would also probably be welcomed by those who haven't really heard of Tomb Raider. You may even have a grand plan of how to fill the reader in on all of this information throughout the rest of the storybook, and if so, I respect that. As a reader though, I just feel a little lost at this point.

    I'm excited to see how the rest of the story progresses! I hope this helps going forward, as the last thing I'd want to do is make Juno cry!

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  2. Hi Cece. What an intriguing start to your Storybook! You have done a great job pulling the reader into this world and setting the stakes so incredibly high. I am not all that familiar with Lara Croft or the Tomb Raider franchise. I have seen 2001's Lara Croft: Tomb Raider with Angelina Jolie (and maybe the sequel but I can't remember for certain) and I remember thinking it was okay and reminded me of the Indian Jones films. I'm guessing that you are a fan of this franchise? What did you think of the latest movie? I thought the trailers looked pretty good but I haven't gotten around to checking it out yet. One thing that I think would help with your introduction would be to include an Author's Note. The story itself is a great start but having some context into what is going on and what you are planning to do with your project would help the reader get even more out of it.

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  3. Hey Cece! I love your story! It caught my attention right away! And such a cliffhanger!!! Ugh there has to be more after the introduction! Lara sounds so cool, I’m a sucker for a B.A. heroine! Most of my comments are grammatical, but please don’t be discouraged or anything. Your story was great and I hope I get to read more soon!

    Suggestions:
    This dialogue confused me a bit. Utilizing different descriptors and changing up the order of wording has been super helpful for me so far when I’ve received feedback! The most helpful was when someone gave me an alternative so I’ll try the same for you below.

    Original: "Hello? Jonah?" I answered worriedly. His voice answered back with clear anxiety, something that was so rare to my normally laid-back, outgoing friend, "Lara? I've got some bad news..."

    Edited: “Hello, Jonah?” I questioned worriedly. Jonah was so easy-going and it killed me to hear the anxiety evident in his voice when he replied, “Lara... I’ve got some bad news.”

    Also, check your commas!

    "They're really bad, Lara. A hundred people have died in Mexico alone already from the storms. And more, all over the world." Jonah cut in.

    The period at the end of the quote should actually be a comma. I’m always sketched out by commas and get it wrong, but I googled it and double checked for you! Here’s a link that might be helpful!

    https://www.grammarly.com/blog/quotation-marks/

    Amazing work, and I hope you enjoy your semester! Your dog is super cute btw and I hope I didn’t make Juno cry!

    - Tricia

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  4. This introduction was really exciting, Cece! I hope I get the opportunity to read more as the storybook goes on. I really have no idea how the rest of Lana's story is going to go. How will she appease the god Quetzalcoatl's fury? There's a lot of different avenues that I feel you can go with this one. One more technical thing that I appreciated was your balance of dialogue tags and beats. It's easy to get stuck just using varying tags and calling that descriptive enough. However, mixing some action beats in there can take the detail to the next level. You did a great job of having both, and that was key to making the dialogue believable and getting the audience invested in your characters. I'm super excited to see where you can take this story. There's nothing better than a good adventure story. How is Lana going to stop these storms?

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  5. Hi Cece,

    I love the picture that you chose for the Introduction. The scene of the picture shows a really bad storm which fits the introduction perfectly, so it makes it a little easier to imagine what is happening. Great job using lots of dialogue, but double check your grammar when using it. There were several instances where there should have been a comma at the end of your quote because the sentence kept going and did not end right there. Overall you story was great. I would go back and proofread it yourself. Reading it slowly may help you catch some of those grammar mistakes. I am excited to follow your storybook because I am hooked based off of solely your introduction.

    Also, great choices for your banner picture. It looks intense and like they are about to fight!

    P.S. The picture of your dog that you chose for the comment will is awesome. I have always wanted a husky and can't wait to get one of my own! Good luck on your storybook.

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  6. Hey Cece!

    I’ve never played any video games related to Lara Croft, but as a gamer, I can’t help but be very familiar with her and her concept. I think it’s super awesome that you decided to use such an iconic character as a conduit for your story. Your banner art is also awesome. The moment I saw it, it sucked me into the story.

    You picked a really good jumping off point for a story. I can’t wait to see how you intend to carry the story for the next few stories.

    Any critics I have is purely from a technical standpoint. Your content is great.

    You need to describe your characters in some way. Lara is a popular icon, but not every one knows what she looks like. You should image the reader is someone who has never laid an eye on a single Tomb Raider game. I think it will give it more depth.

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  7. Hi Cece,

    I'm popping in from the Indian Epics side of the class, so I'm a bit unfamiliar with the reading material that your story is based on. However, I love Laura Croft! I grew up playing the PS1 Tomb Raider games, so I was so excited to check out your website. It looks really well put together. The pictures you chose are nice, very action oriented and exciting. I would recommend making your words in the text box a bit bigger, you have a lot of white space and it would make the page look more filled out if the text was the next size up (plus, easier to read). I think that maybe you should also include some information about Laura, just so that people have a better understanding of what's going on in your story!
    Also, I agree with earlier comments that you should proofread one more time (that's something I personally suck at lol). There were some slight errors, nothing major, but they can be distracting at times. I had fun checking out your project! Good luck on the rest!

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  8. Hi Cece,
    I love this take on Tomb Raider. I grew up watching the movies with my mom. I had no idea there was a story that started the series. This was the a great start to your storyboard. I love the graphic you chose to use for your introduction. You definitely took your time with how the layout of your website looks. I think details should flow without your stories. Describe the person as you were talking to your mom. Thats how I go about my writing and I think it helps tremendously. One thing, I think would also help is to throw your writing into grammarly. It proofreads everything for you so don't have to worry about it. There is actually a downloadable version for computers that help too. It's how I don't have worries about writing. And I write a lot. I wish you the best on your endeavors and hope this helps.

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  9. Hi Cece,

    I just read your introduction to your story book about Lara Croft, and to start, I want to say that I really like your layout of your story page, and the image you chose as the cover image is super cool! I have never actually watched / played any of the Lara Croft video games, or movies, or read the books either. That being said, I found it pretty easy to catch on to the characters in your story, along with figuring out the beginning part of the plot as well. I really like your use of descriptive language in the beginning of the story, especially when you are addressing Abigaile and Jonah’s relationship. As I continued reading, I became more and more interested in the story, and I was very surprised with your development of the plot about angering the gods in their last journey, and how it is coming back to haunt them. I really like your story so far, and cant wait to keep reading.

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  10. Hi Cece!

    I just read your Introduction and Chapter 1: The Joker. These stories were so good! The level of detail you applied towards these stories made them a phenomenal read. Normally when I read these projects I see a lot of things that could be done better and just minor improvements that could be made. But I honestly do not think I would change anything about your stories. (You might think differently, and I am sure if you do change something it will only make it better.)

    When reading the introduction I was not expecting the angering of the gods aspect of the story. But in hindsight it makes a lot of sense! I am not familiar with the Tomb Raider series, but I am sure you are doing a great job of portraying it with your own twists. The interaction with The Joker had me on the edge of my seat. I can't wait to read your next story!

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  11. Hi Cece! The Joker was an amazing first chapter for your storybook. Of course, from the introduction, I knew that the story was going to be an interesting one, but you really blew me away with Chapter 1. You used so much vivid detail that it felt like I was in the bar with them! I had this perfectly clear image in my head of the patrons, the bartender, the drinks, and even the music. I loved Xolotl as a character. He seems like deep down he is good-hearted, but just values having a good time over anything else. We haven't met his brother yet, but I am expecting him to be the scary, super serious one. My only question is how you are going to finish all of this in the remaining weeks, because the way you are setting it up seems like you could write a whole novel! I'm really excited to read the rest of this story, keep it up!

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  12. Hi Cece!

    I really liked your used of dialogue throughout both the introduction and the first chapter as it was a good way for your characters to quickly interact while we got to know a little bit more about each of their personalities. I also enjoyed your use of descriptive setups as it provided a good scene for where each part of the story has taken place so far, such as the dingy bar that Lara met the god at. This imagery made me feel like I could fully imagine the small bar as well as the intensity in the air as Lara met with the trickster god. It seems the origin or core of this storyis from the video game series: Tomb Raider, and although I have not yet gotten around to playing them yet, I am very intrigued by this stories characters and plot thus far. Overall, a great job so far and I can't wait to see what you write from here!

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