Comment Wall
Hey everyone! This is the comment wall for my Storybook, Lara Croft and the Mask of the Jaguar God. Thanks for your feedback!
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| Please don't be mean, or you'll make Juno cry. (Source: personal photo, December 2019) |
Introduction to an International Studies Major
Hi, I’m Cece! I’m currently in my last semester of the accelerated BA/MA program at the College of International and Area Studies, expecting to graduate in May (if my thesis doesn’t kill me first), so if any of you see me around campus looking dead inside, know that I probably am. As you might have guessed if you read my “favorite place” post, I’m a big fan of Mexico and Latin America in general; Latin American studies and energy policy are my two focus areas at CIS. I’m fluent in Spanish and currently am learning Jopará, which is a language spoken in Paraguay that is a combination of Spanish and the local indigenous language, Guaraní. I’m learning it because, as of last month, I have been invited to serve by the Peace Corps as Community Economic Development Promoter in Paraguay. I’m really excited to be offered the opportunity, as I’ve been obsessed with the Peace Corps’ mission since my freshman year here at OU. My boyfriend, JP, and I, New Year's Eve of 2018. When
Hey Cece,
ReplyDeleteTomb Raider! Nice! I've never played the games myself but I love the artifact-hunter adventure genre that they have helped to inspire. I think that this is a really cool idea, and I'm very interested to see how it plays out, especially since these types of stories always tend to go from realistic to mystical in the end.
That being said, some parts of the story make me feel like I've started the 3rd game in the series without playing the first 2. Who are Jonah and Abigaile and what's the nature of their relationship with Lara? What happened in Paititi and why did it anger Quetzalcoatl? How exactly can Lara fix her mistake? I totally understand that this is the introduction, and you don't want to give everything away right now (and also keep it at a reasonable length), but I simply feel like I'm missing some necessary context at this point.
I would definitely recommend giving more explanation in future stories if you hadn't already planned on it. More explanation of who Lara is would also probably be welcomed by those who haven't really heard of Tomb Raider. You may even have a grand plan of how to fill the reader in on all of this information throughout the rest of the storybook, and if so, I respect that. As a reader though, I just feel a little lost at this point.
I'm excited to see how the rest of the story progresses! I hope this helps going forward, as the last thing I'd want to do is make Juno cry!
Hi Cece. What an intriguing start to your Storybook! You have done a great job pulling the reader into this world and setting the stakes so incredibly high. I am not all that familiar with Lara Croft or the Tomb Raider franchise. I have seen 2001's Lara Croft: Tomb Raider with Angelina Jolie (and maybe the sequel but I can't remember for certain) and I remember thinking it was okay and reminded me of the Indian Jones films. I'm guessing that you are a fan of this franchise? What did you think of the latest movie? I thought the trailers looked pretty good but I haven't gotten around to checking it out yet. One thing that I think would help with your introduction would be to include an Author's Note. The story itself is a great start but having some context into what is going on and what you are planning to do with your project would help the reader get even more out of it.
ReplyDeleteHey Cece! I love your story! It caught my attention right away! And such a cliffhanger!!! Ugh there has to be more after the introduction! Lara sounds so cool, I’m a sucker for a B.A. heroine! Most of my comments are grammatical, but please don’t be discouraged or anything. Your story was great and I hope I get to read more soon!
ReplyDeleteSuggestions:
This dialogue confused me a bit. Utilizing different descriptors and changing up the order of wording has been super helpful for me so far when I’ve received feedback! The most helpful was when someone gave me an alternative so I’ll try the same for you below.
Original: "Hello? Jonah?" I answered worriedly. His voice answered back with clear anxiety, something that was so rare to my normally laid-back, outgoing friend, "Lara? I've got some bad news..."
Edited: “Hello, Jonah?” I questioned worriedly. Jonah was so easy-going and it killed me to hear the anxiety evident in his voice when he replied, “Lara... I’ve got some bad news.”
Also, check your commas!
"They're really bad, Lara. A hundred people have died in Mexico alone already from the storms. And more, all over the world." Jonah cut in.
The period at the end of the quote should actually be a comma. I’m always sketched out by commas and get it wrong, but I googled it and double checked for you! Here’s a link that might be helpful!
https://www.grammarly.com/blog/quotation-marks/
Amazing work, and I hope you enjoy your semester! Your dog is super cute btw and I hope I didn’t make Juno cry!
- Tricia
This introduction was really exciting, Cece! I hope I get the opportunity to read more as the storybook goes on. I really have no idea how the rest of Lana's story is going to go. How will she appease the god Quetzalcoatl's fury? There's a lot of different avenues that I feel you can go with this one. One more technical thing that I appreciated was your balance of dialogue tags and beats. It's easy to get stuck just using varying tags and calling that descriptive enough. However, mixing some action beats in there can take the detail to the next level. You did a great job of having both, and that was key to making the dialogue believable and getting the audience invested in your characters. I'm super excited to see where you can take this story. There's nothing better than a good adventure story. How is Lana going to stop these storms?
ReplyDeleteHi Cece,
ReplyDeleteI love the picture that you chose for the Introduction. The scene of the picture shows a really bad storm which fits the introduction perfectly, so it makes it a little easier to imagine what is happening. Great job using lots of dialogue, but double check your grammar when using it. There were several instances where there should have been a comma at the end of your quote because the sentence kept going and did not end right there. Overall you story was great. I would go back and proofread it yourself. Reading it slowly may help you catch some of those grammar mistakes. I am excited to follow your storybook because I am hooked based off of solely your introduction.
Also, great choices for your banner picture. It looks intense and like they are about to fight!
P.S. The picture of your dog that you chose for the comment will is awesome. I have always wanted a husky and can't wait to get one of my own! Good luck on your storybook.
Hey Cece!
ReplyDeleteI’ve never played any video games related to Lara Croft, but as a gamer, I can’t help but be very familiar with her and her concept. I think it’s super awesome that you decided to use such an iconic character as a conduit for your story. Your banner art is also awesome. The moment I saw it, it sucked me into the story.
You picked a really good jumping off point for a story. I can’t wait to see how you intend to carry the story for the next few stories.
Any critics I have is purely from a technical standpoint. Your content is great.
You need to describe your characters in some way. Lara is a popular icon, but not every one knows what she looks like. You should image the reader is someone who has never laid an eye on a single Tomb Raider game. I think it will give it more depth.
Hi Cece,
ReplyDeleteI'm popping in from the Indian Epics side of the class, so I'm a bit unfamiliar with the reading material that your story is based on. However, I love Laura Croft! I grew up playing the PS1 Tomb Raider games, so I was so excited to check out your website. It looks really well put together. The pictures you chose are nice, very action oriented and exciting. I would recommend making your words in the text box a bit bigger, you have a lot of white space and it would make the page look more filled out if the text was the next size up (plus, easier to read). I think that maybe you should also include some information about Laura, just so that people have a better understanding of what's going on in your story!
Also, I agree with earlier comments that you should proofread one more time (that's something I personally suck at lol). There were some slight errors, nothing major, but they can be distracting at times. I had fun checking out your project! Good luck on the rest!
Hi Cece,
ReplyDeleteI love this take on Tomb Raider. I grew up watching the movies with my mom. I had no idea there was a story that started the series. This was the a great start to your storyboard. I love the graphic you chose to use for your introduction. You definitely took your time with how the layout of your website looks. I think details should flow without your stories. Describe the person as you were talking to your mom. Thats how I go about my writing and I think it helps tremendously. One thing, I think would also help is to throw your writing into grammarly. It proofreads everything for you so don't have to worry about it. There is actually a downloadable version for computers that help too. It's how I don't have worries about writing. And I write a lot. I wish you the best on your endeavors and hope this helps.
Hi Cece,
ReplyDeleteI just read your introduction to your story book about Lara Croft, and to start, I want to say that I really like your layout of your story page, and the image you chose as the cover image is super cool! I have never actually watched / played any of the Lara Croft video games, or movies, or read the books either. That being said, I found it pretty easy to catch on to the characters in your story, along with figuring out the beginning part of the plot as well. I really like your use of descriptive language in the beginning of the story, especially when you are addressing Abigaile and Jonah’s relationship. As I continued reading, I became more and more interested in the story, and I was very surprised with your development of the plot about angering the gods in their last journey, and how it is coming back to haunt them. I really like your story so far, and cant wait to keep reading.
Hi Cece!
ReplyDeleteI just read your Introduction and Chapter 1: The Joker. These stories were so good! The level of detail you applied towards these stories made them a phenomenal read. Normally when I read these projects I see a lot of things that could be done better and just minor improvements that could be made. But I honestly do not think I would change anything about your stories. (You might think differently, and I am sure if you do change something it will only make it better.)
When reading the introduction I was not expecting the angering of the gods aspect of the story. But in hindsight it makes a lot of sense! I am not familiar with the Tomb Raider series, but I am sure you are doing a great job of portraying it with your own twists. The interaction with The Joker had me on the edge of my seat. I can't wait to read your next story!
Hi Cece! The Joker was an amazing first chapter for your storybook. Of course, from the introduction, I knew that the story was going to be an interesting one, but you really blew me away with Chapter 1. You used so much vivid detail that it felt like I was in the bar with them! I had this perfectly clear image in my head of the patrons, the bartender, the drinks, and even the music. I loved Xolotl as a character. He seems like deep down he is good-hearted, but just values having a good time over anything else. We haven't met his brother yet, but I am expecting him to be the scary, super serious one. My only question is how you are going to finish all of this in the remaining weeks, because the way you are setting it up seems like you could write a whole novel! I'm really excited to read the rest of this story, keep it up!
ReplyDeleteHi Cece!
ReplyDeleteI really liked your used of dialogue throughout both the introduction and the first chapter as it was a good way for your characters to quickly interact while we got to know a little bit more about each of their personalities. I also enjoyed your use of descriptive setups as it provided a good scene for where each part of the story has taken place so far, such as the dingy bar that Lara met the god at. This imagery made me feel like I could fully imagine the small bar as well as the intensity in the air as Lara met with the trickster god. It seems the origin or core of this storyis from the video game series: Tomb Raider, and although I have not yet gotten around to playing them yet, I am very intrigued by this stories characters and plot thus far. Overall, a great job so far and I can't wait to see what you write from here!
Hi Cece! I hadn't read any of your storybook until now, and honestly, man was I missing out. Your project is so fantastically written, is almost feels like isolated chapters of a larger book on the Aztec gods wreaking havoc in the modern world. It reminded me a bit of Percy Jackson. Your writing is also amazing, the dialogue is very well-paced and the characters are so perfectly believable. I think my favorite scene so far is Lara meeting Xolotl, I really hope he makes another appearance in a future story because he is awesome! I am suposed to comment on the pictures and design of the website, but I don't have any critiques. I love the cover photo you chose, and I think it is great that you included more throughout the stories to help the audience picture certain characters and places. I would only try to add a picture of Ixchel, since we have one of Xolotl I think it would be fair to have one of her too. Overall, amazing job so far!
ReplyDeleteHi Cece, this was another fantastic entry in your storybook! With all of these Indiana Jones/Lara Croft type of stories, it is rare that there are ample consequences of the characters disturbing ancient artifacts and deities, aside from perhaps a trap of some sort. In your story, however, you are making Lara come face to face with the effects of her actions. Whether her actions were rooted in selfishness or not, the consequences are the same. Lara was so focused on reaching her goal that she neglected to think about the repercussions. Ixchel is great at this moment because her story parallels Lara's, so she can relate and knows that Lara meant no harm and is now trying to fix her mistakes. Great writing as usual, I can't wait to read more installments of this fantastic set of stories soon, especially because I feel that confrontation with Quetzalcoatl is coming soon!
ReplyDeleteHi Cece!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy your stories! You are so talented! This week the focus for the project feedback is Author's Notes. Your Author's Notes are fantastic! For the first story, "The Joker", I really appreciate how you gave us more detail about the characters. Especially, the relationship between Xolotl and Lara's relationship. One thing to note is maybe linking us to Xolotl's Wikipedia page. I did not really know anything about him before this story. But I appreciate the link to song on YouTube!
For the second story, "The Goddess", I pretty much have the same feedback as for the first. One adjustment I would consider is breaking the notes up into two paragraphs. I do not think this necessarily necessary, however, it may make it easier to read on the website. Right now the big block of words is a little daunting. Overall, your stories and author's notes are fantastically done and I cannot wait to read more!
Hey Cece! great job on your story! I really enjoyed the design of your website and I thought it fit perfect with your theme! The images you chose for your story were pretty cool too! I think you have a great talent for telling and coming up stories! I really appreciated and thought the detail you put in your stories helped to make it feel more real and draw the reader in more. Like how you would describe Laras reaction to her friends when she got worried she bit her lip or how you decirbed the depth of jokers eyes. The details like that really help connect with characters and just help imagine everything while reading! Great job! with your story! I only read until Jokers story and I am unsure if she should trust/follow him seeing as he is a trickster! I am excited to read the rest! keep up with the good work!
ReplyDeleteHello Cece! Wow! Wow! Wow! Your writing is phenomenal and captivating! While I haven't played any of the Lara Croft video games, I did watch the 2001 movie starring Angelina Jolie many years ago. That counts, right? First off, your banner image is INCREDIBLE! I knew Lara was a badass, but damn! The in-text photos for the Introduction and Chapter 2 do a great job showcasing the weather contrast for the two locations. The illustration of Xolotl in Chapter 1 really fit with the mood of the story and was a wonderful choice. It felt like it added to the story rather than just being an obligatory picture insert.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure one of the tech tips is including music in your website. Perhaps you could find a banda song to insert into Chapter 1? Having taken 3 years of spanish in high school, and occasionally speaking it at home with my dad (who also took spanish and was doing just to piss off my mom, who took french) I appreciated the little phrases you kept in the story that let brush off my rusty skills and made the setting that much more authentic.
Hi Cece!
ReplyDeleteChecking back in again on your story book and I must say I was very impressed with the progress you have made since I last read this piece. Like I mentioned in my previous I may not know much outside of some surface level details of the Tomb Raider series, but still can totally appreciate the arc of the story so far as it reads almost like a blockbuster action movie with in depth descriptions of grand settings and characters. I liked the inclusion of the picture of the temple on your second page as it brought to life the island that Lara ferried out to and helped me focus in on what the location actually looks like while reading about its description. This story book has been a great read this semester and I can not wait to read how it ends, great work so far!
Hello and good morning Cece,
ReplyDeleteI noticed a change in format from the Introduction to Chapter 2 of your story. Wondering if that was intentional and you wanted to try something new with how you were formatting your story as the weeks progress. The story has progressed from beginning to Chapter 2 and is nearly an arc that has definitely reached its climax. Additionally you provide great visualization with your writing so the reader knows what to be picturing throughout your story.
Hi Cece,
ReplyDeleteThe first time that I left a comment on your storybook all you had published was your introduction. Since then, I see that you have made lots of progress and have published two stories. Your stories are so interesting and really keep the reader hooked on it. Both of your stories also have lots of dialogue which adds greatly to the story.
My comment for this week was to mainly focus on paragraphs in the stories. In your first story you did a good job on starting new paragraphs when the story takes a turn in the story line. I do have one suggestion as far as paragraphs go in the first story. When they are having a conversation and the speaker changes, I suggest starting a new paragraph so that it is easier for the reader to see the change and for them to know that speaker changed. By doing that it also makes the readability of your story easier.
Hey Cece,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I love the idea for this storybook! I've always been a fan of Lara Croft's adventuring games. They felt like a fun blend of adventure, history, action, and badass main characters. Your stories are a very good homage to that feel and you do a really good job of conjuring up those same emotions. I also really appreciated how you weaved (like Ixchel) the history of the various gods into the story. Especially with Ixchel's backstory, you did a good job justifying that bit of exposition and making it relevant to the story.
My one piece of advice is more of a friendly suggestion than anything else. Basically, you are writing an online blog/storybook, which gives you a few advantages over traditional paper books! For example, in "Chapter 1: The Joker", you incorporate a really cool detail about a traditional type of Mexican music, and, although you include a link to a video at the end, it's really easy to embed the video directly into the story, which would make it easier for the reader to play the music in the background as they read your story! Just something to think about. Good luck with the rest of class!
Hi Cece,
ReplyDeleteI had the opportunity to read your first story in the beginning of the semester and I believe I already commented on that one, so for this post I will talk about your second story in the Lara Croft adventure. I find if very cool how you made such a complex story like the Tomb Raider story feel very simple and fun. I also like how you kept the story going from the first part into the second edition. I will say, with longer stories like this, I often get lost, especially when there are so many different characters and details, but I didn't have too much trouble reading yours. If I could offer some suggestions, or offer ideas of what I might have liked to see more of in the story it would be maybe changing the characters names like Xolotl and Chak Chel into simpler names just to keep it more friendly for the audience. I am a big fan of shorter stories in a collection, especially when they are more aimed at a younger audience, so that is probably why I would want to see simpler names. Overall though, I really liked the story and seeing how the narrative progressed through the first and second part of the story!